Welcome to adult-hood. If no one has ever said that welcome. Welcome to the chaotic inner peace that seems to always go with the flow of the day. It’s exciting and lively and joyous as well as times of turmoil and despair. It’s a wild roller coaster that you hopefully fall in love with and learn to enjoy the ups and fight through the downs.
If you can’t tell by now I want to try and use my life lessons to help give advice that yes was never asked for but I think we all can relate to it in one way or another, and if you can’t that is ok too. Not everyone has had a hard life, or a medium stressful life some have had it easy compared to others. Maybe just maybe these words on the pages can help others understand that they are not alone and that it does get better. Or if you choose to not believe the latter you will believe the former.
It is not necessarily easy to be behind a screen and let people read words on a screen when I have no idea what you are thinking but in some weird way, I am weirdly comfortable with it If the blogs even help one person out there in the span of the internet.
I have always been a person that is torn. Torn between my thoughts and the voice of my mother in my head (some will understand that). That voice has been the cause of a lot of anxiety/panic attacks. It has trained me not to speak what I wanted to say because I was not important enough and no one would care. Or I’ll play through the conversation in my head before I even bring anything up with her to try and figure out what way it would go so that I could plan what I would say in EVERY scenario. This one usually got my anxiety so bad and didn’t need to but every once in awhile it proved true and I was glad I prepped.
I am not perfect, news break none of us are. I am not saying I was always right in the situations but I was never asked anything regarding me. If I “overreacted” I was being a child even if I was in my 20’s. If I tried to go back and talk yes talk to my mother about what happened at a later date she would say it’s in the past we don’t need to talk about it. Maybe she didn’t but I did.
I am the type of person that needs to talk about things, many things to be able to move past them. Or I write about it. It may seem like my mother was a horrible person but she wasn’t. She had her good points about her, her love for animals, reading, teaching each of her children to grow, and many more. I think for the most part we just didn’t see eye to eye, and that is ok.
My family is dysfunctional in more ways than one. Yet we all turned out okay somehow. There were times where I couldn’t see past the negativity of everyone around me until a good few close friends started to show me what being cared for felt like. I had a lot of crying times and sobbing times and for those of you who are wondering the difference. Crying is just tears, sobbing is when you have to gasp to breathe and try not to puke (yeah it wasn’t pretty, but I am glad I’m on the other side of it).
It was a long hard process to get to the decision to stop talking to my family. A lot of trials and tribulations that went along with my thought processes. It was the right decision for me, that doesn’t mean it might be the right decision for someone else. Though I will say this I am happier, less worried who is going to call me and if I am going to get a guilt trip for something or another.
A 12-year-old can’t stay 12 forever, they must grow up one day, and if the people can’t see that the 12-year-old is now a 33-year-old then something needs to change. Sometimes you need to say sentences to yourself like that to get yourself through the day and that is ok too. Even taking it one day at a time is ok, or even one hour at a time.
Sometimes my anxiety was so bad and still is that I have to go into a dark quiet room to calm down. Since I can’t focus on silence as an end game if there is noise all around me, and light that also distracts. These are things I wish my family knew when I was younger, not that I “Overreacted” but that I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know what I was feeling because I was feeling to MUCH (some will get that some will not). When you have too many emotions running through your body and some are yours and others are not you are not sure how to handle them or even express them. SO some people act out by throwing things, or yelling, or tantrums. Now I am not saying that every time someone does one of the listings above it is because of being an empath let me make that clear, I am just trying to state that these are things I have gone through and I know others have too.
Being emphatic is interesting we have to learn that we are an empath usually not by our family and not when we are young in life. Then we have to figure out which emotions throughout our lives were ours and others and how what affected which. Reading books on the subject and joining groups as well as connecting with other empaths also help learn what is what. Taking vacations or time alone to do you is important - don’t let anyone take that away from you.
It's okay to have emotions but sadly being an empath you are most likely late to the game so I’ll leave everyone with this.
Emotions are ok to have them as long as they don’t have a hold on you.
~Until the next different type of view~ RoriLelu
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