I must apologize for not getting a blog out sooner, warning this might be longer. Trying to balance this new endeavor and work and just life is interesting. I have been thinking about what to write and the only thing I come back to is an addiction.
Whether it be to drugs (which is the first thing that comes to mind), sex, music, you get the idea. We all have a form of addiction we don't like to admit it but we do, it’s a shameful part of our life that must stay in the dark. It’s partily why no one talks about when they have gone to rehab unless they have tons of guts or they feel really comfortable with talking to another person. It is nothing to be ashamed of- never be ashamed of who you are, mistakes and all; we all make them. We all hide them. I am here to tell you that everyone is more alike then we would like to realize but we are also so much more different in our characteristics than we pay attention to.
It’s why there are books written on, mental health, exercise, different dogs that go well with different types of personalities (you get what I am saying at least I hope).
We all are addicted to being different from one another while also wanting to be loved no matter what we do.
If you grew up in a “healthy home” I must say I envy you, for as you know if you have read my previous blogs, mine was not ( I will go into much more detail in later blogs). I craved wanting to be understood by my family. I know that now 20 some years later that will never happen- and in some weird way, I am okay with that. I still love them for who they are I just know I had to make a decision for my mental health to take a step back. Sadly there are a lot of people in this world that need to and never do because they are afraid of severing a tie that was never really there in the first place- think back if they didn’t respect you when you loved yourself the most what is going to change their minds now? (None healthy families tend to break you down until you don’t know up from down and right from left),(That’s talking to someone, if you are looking for you sign there it is<3). I am not trying to be harsh I am trying to help whoever understand that we are our own happiness, we are our own love, we make our decisions in life that have lasting effects and if you let the people that treat you like crap stay in your life longer, that affects your mental health in the long run.
I believe in God he saved my life in more than one occasion, if you have your own belief please take no offense to my references and think of your own higher being, if you choose not to believe that if your own choice and I shall respect that; please just read what I write and take it for what it is- I am not lying in any of my blogs past, present or future. However, we will come back to this later.
I have always envied those “perfect” families, you know the ones that exist in movies and fairy tales and from afar- the ones your friends have. It always seemed like everyone knew what each other meant and if they didn’t they asked for clarification, it was amazing in my eyes it was what my heart cried out for-to be understood.
My family did not try to understand me as far as I remember. Even to the last year of talking with them, only one member did and I think that was just to get more information on another family member. See at a young age I had anger issues I threw tantrums. Looking back now I get it kids throw tantrums usually because they want something and they can not have it.
Other reasons (no one ever thinks there can be other reasons) they do not know how to put into words what they are feeling and they only way they can express themselves is to go with how they feel inside (usually frustrated because they can’t express themselves well enough for adults to understand them). I was a kid that “overreacted”. I was an adolescent that “overreacted” I was an adult the “overreacted” and until the day I die if I choose to believe my family I’ll “overreact”. But here’s the thing I don’t overreact I react to how I feel always have. Everyone does. We always react to what is going on inside of us if we can not express it outward in any way. Outward experiences make us feel inside and we react accordingly.
My past makes me sad, but it makes me who I am today. I survived neglect, abuse, disdain, and so much more. To only come out on the other side and proven to myself that I am worth it. For my whole life, I have been a people “pleaser” a family “pleaser” a “my happiness doesn’t matter” and “isn't even on the list pleaser”.
One day it something clicked, one day I just realized that I needed me to fight for my dreams because nobody else was going to do it for me.
To be very honest I am having a hard time writing this blog, even though I know we all have emotions and I know everyone reading this is supportive and wants to know there are more people out there like them- this is hard.
I need to be honest I am not trying to mom shame or family shame or even emotion shame I am being honest and getting things off my chest that I have not been able to for most of my life unless I was in therapy or I really trusted a friend. I want people to know they are not alone in what they go through.
I recently watched the most recent Rocketman the one made in 2019. The one based on Elton John's life. If you have not seen it yet and any of these blogs you can relate to even if you just like reading them please go see that movie. I cried almost all the way through it. I related to it on SO many levels and the way they time the music to go along with the scene it was so magical. You know when things are done right and that movie was. I don’t want to give to many details away for those who have not seen it yet, but it goes through the trials and tribulations of Elton's life, and how he just lived his life. He became famous in what seemed overnight and his life that he knew was no more. He didn’t have an easy childhood, but God how he could play the piano. That movie has become one of my favorite movies for it dictates just the essence of a human changed and found. There are very few things in this life that answer my heart cry that movie was one to hold me over until I come across the next.
For those of you who are wondering what a “hearts cry” is, it is the deepest longing that your heart has. At least that’s my understanding of it. We all have them in different ways, for we all are different people. Mine is to be understood, yours could be truly loved, or cared for, or to be left alone in this crazy world, or to travel the world and see it in all its glory. I would advise figuring out what your heart cry is and doing it as much as possible.
So yes back to be beginning. Now that you have all that information that you just read my addiction was being in relationships- to be loved and understood- and never really knowing who I was. I ended up in a lot of relationships where I was not happy but I said just to not be alone- not smart. After being saved and being tired of doing the same thing over and over again and not getting any new results ( I still felt lonely, sad among many other emotions that I decided to deal with instead of running from).
I took a sabbatical for at least 3 years to focus on my relationship with God, and to focus on finding me. Yes, a sabbatical you did read that correctly. I’m going to be honest here and blunt. So if you are not ready for it you might want to come back for when you are. I was tired of the one night stands that left me more empty than when the night before began. I was tired of chasing after men that saw me as friends and flirted with me but never wanted to take it further when I voiced how I felt (yeah I told guys in the past that I liked them first- I was the one who voice it first when it came to my husband; another story).
I am not a weak woman. I was raised to be but I refused to stay that way in my mind. You can only be broken down so much and so far before you fight back. I was tired of feeling shamed for really everything that had to do with a guy, for I grew up in a society that said if you were single you were wrong- which is wrong. If you are single you are just that - single. You are still a human you are not cursed, you are not forgotten, you are not whatever the voices inside your head say the reason is for you being single. If you are single it is not a bad thing.
Being single was one of the best chapters of my life. I learned so much, read so many books, balanced life so well, and was able to deal with the demons of my family. I will never regret spending those years on me and finding more of myself. I didn’t have sex for those 3+ years, I didn’t even kiss anyone or cuddle anyone. I feel in love with me. The addiction of wanting to be loved and understood by someone else just faded away into the abyss. I wanted to be a more independent woman and if a relationship happened it had to happen after my 3 years. I refused to let one happen before that time was up.
That’s how important I was to me- that’s how important you should be to you. I still take vacations and time by myself to just clear my head of all the noise around me. We all should.
So in all this rambling, since that is what I feel half my blogs are, please take time to do you. To make yourself a better person, whether its quitting smoking, or starting to walk daily, or reading a book a month, something to grow, for if we don’t grow we are stagnant.
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~Until the next different type of view~ RoriLelu
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