I am not a perfect person. I am far from it. I have anxiety attacks on top of panic attacks and migraines, as well as depression. I am telling you this to let you know I am a human as well- we all are. I fail more times then I can count, but then I slowly get back up again; baby step by baby step. Whether it is dimming the light on my computer so I might write another blog, or naps throughout the day to try and help the migraines go away or get them “more under control” (I’m not naive I know there is no cure).
There are days when I go through it and I have the feeling- call it what you will- of despair or depression or something just not being “right”. I used to let that feeling consume me, literally. I would go into a depression for days and cry over everything-E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I would cancel all the plans I had for the week or weeks and crawl into bed and not eat.
Then one day I took the mantra “ What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” and I made it my own. I changed it to “ This isn’t going to kill me”, “ I can get through this” and those two phases have helped me so much.
A little from my past for those who don’t know me, know me. I was raped when I was 17 by someone that could have been my father. Being brainwashed is not fun. The first hit across my face was not far after but a different person, not that much old than me- let’s call him Charles. I had a chance to get away from him and I did until I went back to him time and time again. Until I was strong enough in myself to leave him. Until I saw no future of my life if I stayed with him- I saw me dying.
After Charles came let's call him Milo. Milo and my relationship was a very unhealthy one. It lasted for years, was on and off for most of them and had numerous mind games from both of us, (see I learned how to play mind games from Charles to stay alive) and abuse- mental, physical, and verbal.
I don’t feel great writing this. If anything I feel ashamed for being in those situations, but here's the thing. Why? I can tell you but it won’t make you happy. It is because of some of the friends I hung out with, my family (especially my father he just didn’t get it, my oldest sister helped me a lot) and society. I’m not saying everything out in the world. I’m just saying those looks you get from strangers that you swear they know what you have been through and they are judging you for being with that person for so long.
On top of it, we are our worst critic you know that saying, I think we all do. We never get a break from ourselves. I think that’s why people with anxiety/ insomnia can make it through the day but when its time to sleep we have insomnia; our thoughts continue after our brains have turned off, and there is no real way to turn them off.
So going back to the beginning of this. I have thrown things across rooms, I have screamed at the top of my lungs with tears running down my face. All because my emotions get the best of me, and I have too many inside of my body and I don’t know how to control them or feel them. That feeling of your whole body tingling from anxiety, I have rocked back and forth like a rocking chair to calm my self down for what seemed like 30 minutes.
I have learned in time with coping mechanisms to not have tantrums to not throw things as much. The ironic thing is I have always been a more stable person outside the house than in. Doctors think it is because I feel more safe and comfortable at home than out in the world. It makes sense, and I think others will understand this on a different level as well. I know the ones who have known me for years and are reading this probably are baffled. It just goes to show that you don’t really know the people in your life. I am being as honest as I can about what I feel is never spoken of and when it is those people are looked down upon.
We are not perfect, and I promised to talk about the rough stuff that others usually don’t or rarely do. I don’t say these things to get empathy or anything I tell these things to let everyone know that whatever emotion you feel is normal (besides murder or suicide go talk to someone about that please). You don’t always have to act on them you can learn to control them and get better when around crowds of people or whatever your challenge is. I will tell you this it does take time, sometimes you backslide into the emotions again. That is okay, you are only human, but please take this with you- Do not let the hatred of this world stop the beauty that is within you from shining; have your goal in mind and take baby steps to get there. You can do it, it will just take time.
***Names have been changed to protect the people in these stories.
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