Partially

Hi, you all know me as my writer name Rori Lelu. I am a 33-year-old female that has lived in many states yet always fines my place back in CT. I put up with a lot throughout my life- mainly other people's bull crap. I remember my middle sister telling me that once I was in my 30’s I would stop caring what others thought and do what I wanted. She was right. I got tired of being walked all over by my family most of all and by almost everyone else in my life. I got tired of just life in general if I am, to be honest.

I have always been a sensitive person (too sensitive) as some might say. I take things too personally, but oh how I love so fully. Kind of like Gigi in- He’s just not that into you. Watch it if you haven’t its a good movie.

To be honest, I am not sure what I want this blog to be about, but please bear with me, I don’t think I have disappointed you yet ;)

There are so many things to discuss I am not sure where to begin. Trigger warning below.

I guess let’s start with where all the troubles started. I think I was around 12, I was in middle school. I had an elephant bank made of ceramic. If fell from atop a shelf and I wondered what it would be like to cut myself. That one thought started me down a road of turmoil that would last for years. For those of you who have done that you know what the release is about, for those who have not to be glad to not be tied to something that is so addictive.

It got to the point where I would cut whenever I was disappointed, or let down, angry, you get the point. It was something I became dependant on to have emotions. It was something I looked forward to. I was unwell, in therapy, on meds.

Words to the wise- if you are doing everything you can to help improve yourself and if you feel like nothing in you is changing, look at the people around you- are they healthy relationships?

Partially was my issue, the other part was I didn’t think I was worth it. I needed someone to believe in me before I believed in myself. Gladly I know differently now.

This is hard for me to write for I never really talked about it before in detail, and quite frankly once you start talking bluntly people either love it or get afraid. I’m not trying to scare anyone, I'm just trying to be honest with what I went through so people can use it in their lives if needed.

The reason I cut you may ask? I am not really sure, to be truthful. I know it was something I had control over and I know it was something that I felt I could relate to- funny thinking you can relate to an action when you really can’t. Every time I tried to open my mouth and express myself it always seemed to be worded wrongly or I understood it differently (It wasn't until recently when a little birdie told me to ask people to “rephrase the question” I can not tell you how many times that has saved a conversation) I didn’t feel like anyone in my life I could talk to. I felt different from my family. I had “friends” but they didn’t feel like friends. They felt like they were just there, later that feeling proved to be correct.

I guess I am grateful for the experience but not. My mother was told to hide all sharp objects- she hid the knives in my parent's closet. It was never talked about- me hurting myself, me going to therapy. What I was going through was death with another person that they paid- not my family.

It’s funny how our brain remembers things I am sure not everything was horrible. Sadly I don't remember those times. I remember my father taking me to an arcade and telling me that if I continue to get good grades he will continue to take me to places. I stopped caring about school and saw good grades as bribery. Granted looking back it was just a father wanting a daughter to keep an interest in school, but for me, he went about it all wrong. I would have preferred him to just continue being me if I got good grades and said nothing to be in the first place. I barely saw him as a kid growing up why did our time together have to be forced? Though out of both of my parents he was the most affectionate in his own way.

No family is perfect, mine certainly wasn’t. I went through a lot to stop cutting. I actually forget how long it has been since I stopped but since 2009 maybe 2010. I know I was born again. I know the last time I tried to cut and tried to take my life the knives barely made a mark. I remember yelling at God in the shower. The knives cut my thighs deeper than my wrists.

See here's a thing that annoys me (granted a lot does) but yes there are people that cut for attention and then the ones who really cut to just harm themselves get balmed for craving attention. It’s annoying. Yes, I got attention at school I did well in school I was liked by my teachers, I never acted out. I looked forward to going to school it got me out of the mayhem of emotional turbulence in the air that I felt day in and day out in the house. I think that’s why I harmed the most. It gave me peace, somewhere inside me. The empath in me that I didn’t know I was yet craved that peace.

I don’t expect anyone to understand that and if by any means you are having ideas to harm yourself please reach out to a professional, they really do want to help. Or even a trust friend. Baby steps are still steps- remember that.

We all have come a long way, but we never think back on where we were 5 years ago compared to where we are today. I hate that we feel ashamed for what we were not who we are.

Hell, I am clean of addiction, of sleeping around, of craving my happiness to come from others. I make my life now. I get angry at how stupid people can be and how common sense should really be renamed- rare sense.

I have had a stray cat that was hit by a car, die in my arms- just so it knew it wasn’t alone- at least I hope. It didn’t make putting down my own animals later in life any easier. Heres the thing unless you have been there you can’t talk about an experience, well you can but then you would be a liar. The world has enough of those, we need honest people, that take a stand against what is wrong, that come together when it is needed.

There is too much division in this world. I get we all have our own opinion. It’s just got to a part of what is right and what is wrong and who can tell the difference? Cause F*cked if I know. Everyone wants to be right and can’t be wrong. Do you want to know my mantra about that? Got me through a Fcked up time in my life. My mantra is- I don’t care about being right or wrong I just care about being understood. That honestly is what everyone should be coming from but we aren’t. We rather argue than take the time to listen that might save someone's life. Listening can do SO much. SO much that most people don’t have a comprehensible idea of how listening can changing a person's perspective on life.

Why do you think we relate so much to sad songs? Angry songs? Besides relating to a different level of our normal life, it makes us feel like we are connected to another part of the world without know anyone personally. Is that so bad to have a false escape?

What was the major changing point in your life? How much credit do you not give yourself and you should? Take a few seconds, even a few minutes to think about how much you have changed. Whether it was getting out of an abusive relationship (an surviving) or whether it was getting a divorce and moving on to becoming healthy again. Please give yourself credit, smile for the achievements you have done, yes even the small ones. Please if anything fall in love with yourself.

I hope this helps you know you are not alone in anything you experience. As always please subscribe its free link is at the top of the page on the right and you can follow me with any of the social media links. Hope you guys like it <3

Until the next different type of view~ RoriLelu