Dragons

We all have our dragons that we fight. We all have our armor that has been handed down to us that we have collected, repaired, and sharpened over the ages. What are we missing? We have tried it all. The meds, the therapy, the classes on composure and coloring books to go along with the screaming that starts on the inside and tends to end with the yelling coming from our mouths. We are not alone. You are not alone. We have been through hell in a handbasket, yet here we are surviving, thriving to get by and get into our bed so we can forget about the depression that we have. To wake up tomorrow and to it all over again. So that everyone thinks that we are ok until we break, for we feel that no one gives a damn. When they do, it is only for their own benefit. We feel that they only ask us to help them move, or they want something when it is convenient for them. No one gives us enough credit for getting through the day when the night before we took knives and played games with our skin. No one is there to support us in the dilemma of our inner minds that showcase the facade of society. You ask why? Because no one really gives a damn - at least that is what we have been trained to think and feel throughout our life. Growing up, our emotions didn’t matter, because if we didn't know how to express them and threw a tantrum that was us, being emotional and overdramatic. Not a child that didn’t know how to put their thoughts into words, because they were never taught the importance of their feelings. So yeah, we grew up that way (and still sometimes as adults have issues expressing what we feel). We grew to hold in our thoughts and biting our tongues and cutting ourselves because we didn’t know how to express ourselves in healthy ways: every time we tried we heard “You’re just being overdramatic, go calm down”. Let me tell you something - we matter, you matter - we always have and we always will. We were just broken down by people that never built us up, in a society that could care less. Now it is time for us to build ourselves up with the help of ourselves and each other. Our families aren’t perfect and hell neither are we, but we can learn from their mistakes and how they made us feel. We can learn from each other and grow so much and grow so far. Knowledge doesn’t have to be for the ones in schools, intelligence is everywhere if we only want to learn - we can. Somewhere in your timeline you were hurt by someone that was hurting, and I’m sorry about that; but that someone you also looked up to, you admired. I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything ok. But you know what, you are alive knowing what you know now. You know the red flags. You know the red flags that never change even from person to person or age group to age group - the flags always stay the same. Once you see one it’s just time to take notice, take action before more follow. After enough the dragons show up. We all probably wanted a dragon as a pet or maybe still do (I know I still want one), but these dragons you don’t want, these dragons are different these are dangerous. They don't belong as pets. These dragons you have to make sure you are on top of your game with the armor you have collected and sharpened. The fights are easy, sometimes you can feel the last breath leave you if they didn’t take their hand off your neck. These dragons aren’t friends. These dragons are everything we watch out for, to not encounter, for one hit of their tails can make us comatose for the rest of our days or even worse. We end up counting our days, crossing them off on the calendars to know they are over. One more day of our lives done and over with - let another begin. Let another day hit us in the face when nothing comes at us faster than the sound of our alarms to our ears letting us know that we didn’t pass in our sleep. Instead, we are here to fight another day, to fight the dragons that belong to this day. For the demons left long ago. We were to screw up, they couldn’t affect us - at least that's what we were told. So what's the difference from yesterday to today? Well, we know what didn’t work yesterday. I think that’s the one thing every psychiatric ward is missing. The knowledge that the people there have shame and despair and our dragons to fight. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine like they make it out to be, and want you to focus on. The groups offer what they call help, but they also numb the pain of why you’re there in the first place. Wouldn’t it help if we could focus on what didn’t work yesterday and make a plan to go along with that experience to try to get something new to work? Then maybe one day there will be a day that goes by that just works! No one seems to get it. Right? At Least that is what you think to yourself a few times a week. Expect the few that you allow being around you, and the things you tell your friends are even less. The secrets you - well, all of us, keep to ourselves doesn’t help the day not work. We hide behind the walls we build and then expect someone else to tear them down; just so we know that we are truly cared for. Yeah, we have been f*cked up. Even the ones you keep close don’t understand it all but they get you. They may not understand you, but they let you be you. That’s truth right there. That is rare. Let’s be honest here, We all have things we need to work on. We all want someone to understand it and be there for us to just make us feel that we are not alone after all. We have fought our demons, so why do we need to fight the dragons? I’ll tell you why. The demons you’re able to fight with people by your side as a group. The dragons, well sadly only you can fight those. For the dragons are like the bosses from video games. Each video game has mini-boss(es) and a main-boss. Expect there are so many of them, you start to feel discouraged and as if the world as really just turned its back on you. You wonder, does your life really matter, will it ever get better, will you ever get to do the things you want to do, and so many more thoughts and discouraging emotions that your heart literally starts to feel drained (as if you are on your last quarter heart in the video game). Yes, your heart feeling drained from all the emotional turmoil is possible. It doesn’t happen often, sometimes it gets it feeling back in a short period of time, other times it takes a while for your heart to find a purpose to continue to beat. Life isn't easy, especially when you have already fought all the demons and then everyone has left you, to fight the dragons alone. See, by a certain time in our lives we are “supposed” to have a group of close knit friends that we can trust with anything and everything. But what happens when you have been what they call “a loner” for most of your life, if not all of it? Little backstory on me, my mother always disliked the fact that I never had friends that stuck in my life. That I never had a solid and persistent group of people I could turn to. Don’t get me wrong I get the importance of it, I do. However, it just was never for me. I am a wild child as they call it, a wild heart, I need to fly freely - I think you get that. I think most people want their freedom when it comes to things and not to be tied down unless they voluntarily want to be. My friends and I (at least the ones that lasted for years and decades) knew we could go about our life and disconnect to reconnect later in life and pick up where we left off. We understood that sometimes we grow apart to grow back together, but most of the time, life just got too busy and sadly we couldn’t fit each other in it to spend time together. I get the importance to have a group of people around you to prep you for the fight of your life with the dragons, but sometimes those people are the people that pick you up when you are low and nurse you back to care/health. Sometimes those people are the ones that say a sarcastic a*s comment to get you to laugh again so that your heart knows it has a reason to beat. Sometimes those thoughts of how horrible a person you are creep up and into you. Days go by only for you to realize that no matter how you feel now, you have felt worse. Now for those of you who are reading this and are thinking to yourself, “No one can feel that way. It’s not normal. '' Let me reassure you that people DO feel this way at times throughout their life, I have been one of them and still am. I guarantee, at least one person in your life if not two or more have had thoughts like this. They might not have thoughts like that anymore, or they still might, we just never voice it. This is a struggle we face D-A-I-L-Y, and hardly anyone sees it, or takes the time to notice what we go through. What we fight - we fight ourselves, our anxiety, our depression, our bulimia, our mood swings, the voices in our head, as well as PTSD from whatever we have been through- daily we fight with it. We do NOT have it easy, so please stop thinking that we do. We only put on a show (try our best to fake everything) when we are around others, because if you knew everything that went on you would think we were crazy. Isn’t that what everyone calls someone they don’t understand, or care enough to take the time to? If you don’t ask questions to someone you know is having a hard time to help them out you are honestly part of the problem, not the solution. The stigma of mental health saddens me (like a lot of things do), but what makes me sadder is how we treat each other. Instead we could treat each other with kindness, love, respect, and decency. We are all humans we deserve at least that. For those that have gone through hell and are still reading this, I promise you life gets better you do get to do the things you want to do and go to the places you want to go to. It all happens in time. That’s the secret - time. So go fight your demons and battle your dragons because with every war waged there is a victory happening inside of you whether you are aware of it or not. Remember it takes time for any seed to grow and that what may happen today can reflect in years to come….time. I shall leave you with that until the next Different Type of View~ Rori Lelu