Boston

So I was in Boston for this past weekend with family. A family that I married into and that I look forward to seeing. Boston is my city, it is not overpopulated, or polluted, and whenever I visit, it just makes me feel like I am home.

I have always loved Boston even from my first visit many years ago even though at the time it was with an abusive boyfriend. We went to the outskirts of Boston, to a park with a pond in a nice old part of the town. This is where I fell in love with the magic that Boston had to offer. The magic that took you in and made you feel as if time stands still.

From the swans on the lake to the squirrels running up and down the trees, having no fear as the people had picnics right underneath those trees they were racing up. Something about this town made my soul come alive, it made my fire start to burn again, and since then it has only grown.

If you don’t know the start of the song “Let it be” by Ray LaMontagne than please take a moment to listen to it just click on the link provided here.

The lyrics are under the video.

We can try an analyze the lyrics all day long but the man wrote the song for a friend. That friend probably felt the world turn against them, in so many ways they would be having trouble to find faith in everyday life, or a reason for living. I can only gather this song is for the ones that need a helping hand, that need someone to understand that life isn’t all rainbows and sunshine (cause it’s not). However, finding something to hold onto is hard, really hard. Let’s face, it getting up every day isn’t as easy as the movies make it out to be and breakfast sometimes ends up on the floor instead of on the plate. I get it, trust me, I get it. We strive to make the lives of everyone else around us easier, better, all the while our flame dies because we are not taking care of ourself.

Don’t, I repeat, DON’T let society tell you that taking care of yourself is bad, wrong, horrible, or selfish. I would rather be “selfish” for the rest of my days than let a prick-head kill my flame by helping him when I have nothing left to give. We can’t help others if we are drained. Forget all the sayings forget everything everyone has been trying to teach you.

First rule of life is this - feel no guilt for taking care of you.

Yes, it is a hell of a lot simpler to read and say than to actually do; especially if you have stuff you’re dealing with. Now I am not saying to use this as an excuse to not go out of your comfort zone. I think we all should branch out from time to time, it challenges us and helps us grow as an individual. We need to come back, however, to what makes us “feel bad” and figure out why. Those bad feelings are usually linked to past experiences that led us to how we are today (some of them are not linked at all). Only you can change you, only you can take what your past was and use it for good. To better yourself into something that isn't a walking ball of anxiety or an angry mess ready to pick a fight with the next dude that walks into the bar. As adults, or young adults we fail to realize that we actually DO have control over ourselves. We aren’t children anymore being run by our parents at a family holiday event (that’s even a hard pill for me to swallow sometimes). No one ever sits you down and says “You’re 18 now, you can move out, have a car payment, a cell phone bill, but the more things you want the more money you will need. So the more hours you will have to work. It’s a recurring cycle until we die.”

So if you never got one of those talks you are not alone, I didn’t either. My mother and I had a mutual kick-out as I like to call it when I was 17 where I was no longer living with my mom. I call it a mutual kick-out because I didn’t want to be there, she didn’t want me there, and neither of us discussed any alternatives until many years later, if at all. It was just taken as a fact we both understood that the living situation couldn’t and wouldn’t go on the way it was. It was an unhealthy relationship for the both of us to continue arguing about anything and talking about nothing.

A friend of mine helped me get my clothes and I couch-surfed until I was around 24. That’s 7 years of my life I didn’t have a secure living place. That’s 7 years of my life that my mother and my family never asked me about, even up to the point when I stopped talking to the family. No one spoke of those years, no one asked questions. They only spoke unless it was the time I ended up back home, and up and left again without warning. My family doesn’t talk with you, they talk at you and degrade you any chance they get. They bring up any scenario they can think of to make you feel less. It got really annoying to be an empath with a family of narcissists. They would act like they cared only when it suited them. That almost killed my fire. Don’t let anyone kill your fire, especially if they are family. I know family can be brutal, but we are so much worse to ourselves when we are left alone to think and dwell inside our minds.

Take a second to think about everything you have been through, whether it be abuse for 5 years, a car accident that almost took your life, wanting to harm yourself. You got through it! YOU DID! Yes, people might have been there to help but I can almost guarantee it wasn't those people that made your fire burn bright again! Usually, the people that help are different than the people that stay through it all and help tend to each other's fires within.

If you are in an abusive relationship, you have come this far. You can get to a safe place and take control of your life. I know it is capable. I once was in one, didn’t see any hope of getting out, and then I did. When I say abusive I mean anywhere from physically with actions to verbally with someone trying to crush our spirit. An abuser likes to make you less, or different, than you are. When you get out of the relationship, though there is a profound sense of relief to have control over your own life again. Things do get better, than what you are feeling when you are with an abuser of any type. If you are in an abusive relationship and want help to get out here is a link for the National Domestic Violence Hotline HERE Good luck.

Find what feeds your flame. What makes the fight inside of you grow and not stay silent? What makes you come alive? Is it art, music, cars, knowledge, computers? I am not saying to raise up and conquer the nation, I am just saying to take a small step and rise up, speak up for yourself, or get out of the abusive relationship.

I ended up going back to the place during this trip to Boston. It was so weird to go to a place that I only went to once before, more than a decade ago. It was beautiful, better than I remember it. With the swans they actually were paddle boats, and there were geese everywhere. The squirrels still walk up to you and seem to ask you how your day is going. There were at least four weddings going on and the Boston garden was packed, it was worth the trip. To go to a place and make new memories with my husband. To be in a healthy relationship, it kind of turned my world up-side-down to think back and see how far in life I have come. I don’t give myself enough credit with how far I have come. I honestly think none of us do. We think of where we are now and where we need to go. We do think about what has happened to us but not in a learning experience, more so in a shameful way - and that’s sad. It’s sad when we look upon our past and the main feeling is one of shame. I mean sure we aren’t grateful for the slaps across the face or the chokes around the neck, or the punches in the side, but it taught us that we fight back. It taught us that we survive, it taught us that nothing can keep us from fighting to survive.

We have been through hell and then when we are on the other side, we don’t know what to do. For no one taught us anything about this so-called life and how to live it, it was just given to us to try and survive. We can reach out a hand to each other when one of us is weak there are others that are strong. Life is not made to be lived in solitude.

I am sorry this doesn’t end powerfully, not all my blogs will, but I get across what needs to be said I hope. I also want to take the time to thank everyone that has recently liked the Rori Lelu page and shared posts. It makes me know that what I am doing (the cause) is paying off well. I am not making any money for visits to the website, just an FYI. As for everything else if you want to reach out, I am here, thank you to the ones who have already. Please feel free to click the “Heart” icon at the bottom of the blog if you liked this blog and also become a member of the website you’ll get an email when I publish a blog entry.

As Always I hope this helped and that you know you are not alone in this emotional world.

Until the Next Different Type of View~ Rori Lelu