Baby

Hey all!! I must apologize again for the delay in getting a blog out to you. It has been a very long few weeks, and I am glad that they are over. So here is a blog about what I have been going through emotionally. This is a difficult subject for me to write about.

I am a wreck internally, and it has been coming outward.

So why I have been having a rough time lately you ask? Well, not a lot of people know, but I would like to share it with you.

I want to have children running around the house. I can’t bare my own children, I have a condition called polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) that causes infertility. I am one of the many that have been diagnosed (since there are many that go a lifetime with-out being diagnosed) Yes, I know I can do shots, but I refuse to have a million-dollar baby when there are children desperately longing for a home. I have a home.

I want my husband and I to foster. We have been talking about this for a bit. We have gone to the first meeting, yet we have decided that this is not the time right now. For you, you might be wondering what’s the big deal.

With the holidays here it makes it hard since family love is in the air and I see parents and their adorable children in the store. It just reminds me that I’ll never have that; at least right now, and the water-ducts start.

I’m not getting any younger. I want to be able to give these children or even a child a home to come to, to let them know that they are not alone. Those emotions happen in everyone and it’s ok, we handle it, learn from it, and move on. Emotions can rip you apart from the inside for years to come.

I struggle a lot lately, with tears, and dreams. I can envision seeing and helping kids smiling, laughing and I know there are unhappy times, I want to help them through those. I know I am repeating myself, but this is so difficult to write about; I feel like my heart wants to say so much on this matter and it is blocked, because of the sadness.

I hold babies and slowly realize all over again that this is not my road to travel down, at least right now. Somewhere I know I am okay with that. Somewhere I know I do not agree with that at all. I don’t want to be patient and wait to have a kid while our whole lives pass us by. I want to include them in it.

Let’s jump back in time. Years and years, and more years ago there was a time when I was trying to get pregnant before I was with my lovely husband. It was frustrating. The test never turned the color or two strips or told me I was pregnant like one hopes when trying to become pregnant. Looking back now I am glad I didn’t become pregnant. It was BEYOND frustrating, I cannot even tell you how words can not describe the agony of never being able to feel a life growing within you; when you have longed for it since puberty.

To more recent years and months of feelings of heartbreak and joy. Being infertile is not as black and white as you may think. Yes, I can not have children of my own but that doesn’t mean I do not have strong feelings about having kids; or when others I know announce that they themselves are carrying.

When hearing announcements from others I jump for joy for happiness I have for them. However, a little piece of me dies inside. A little because I am jealous and a lot because I know I’ll never be able to do those types of cute baby/+1 to the family news, and it's heartbreaking

Over the past year, one of my brothers-in-law and his awesome wife gave the news that they would be having a baby. I was THRILLED for them!!! Still am, always will be. I remember thinking what wonderful parents they would make. When I received the first sonogram in the mail I cried tears of happiness for them. Their dream was coming true, but I also had tears of sadness for me since it’s just a reminder that I’m barren (important for me to state here that my sister-in-law, as well as no one else in the family, knows my condition until this blog, besides my husband).

So the holidays just passed us by. The whole family went to the Christmas Eve service where Baby Heather* was the Jesus in the Mass/ Christmas play. It was a great service. I got pictures of Heather as baby Jesus (since her parents were off to the side). After the Mass, I ended up crying. It all got too real for me.

See here’s the thing. You can be ok for a while and then a thought will pop in and BAM tears, lots and lots of tears. Again, Christmas day, when we were all together. I can be great for a while and then need space to get my head together again. Kind of like I can be level headed for a while and then it really bothers me that I can’t get pregnant, so I get mad at everything. Then I get really down on myself for getting upset over what seemed like nothing to the other person and was really nothing huge. Yet, dealing with a condition that lasts a lifetime doesn’t make it any easier, if anything it’s harder.

A friend I told this past week that “...on the bright side you’ll make a great aunt’”. That really helped turn my thought process around on the whole thing. Still, the pain is there, along with the fact that the other friends will announce and this process will start all over again. Maybe less painful than this time. Nonetheless, I will be here to celebrate the good news with all of my friends and family, with a smile on my face, wanting what we all are celebrating.

See, no one can really comprehend what it feels like unless it’s you going through it, or it’s your spouse going through it (and even then, they, unfortunately, can’t feel your inner emotions, only the words you speak). To be happy for others, and completely heartbroken inside when things don’t work out the way you want them to.

It’s a process. I remember when everyone used to ask me when my husband and I were having kids. I just used to answer that “We aren’t”. I would get ranges of responses from “ok” to “What? Why not? You two would make great parents.”, “ What do you mean your not?”, “ Well, why not?”.

Here’s the thing, 90% of people that say they aren’t having kids- it’s code for it’s too complicated to explain, please change the subject, this hurts to talk about. We really need to start listening to that. If couples aren’t having kids, they aren’t. It is that plain and simple. That is their decision, NOT yours. SO please stop trying to change their life and PLEASE start listening with your ears when asking “When are you going to start having kids?”

So needless to say it has not been easy. With PCOS there are mood swings, you are more likely to become overweight, you can have depression, irregular periods, among other things. However, I have been grateful enough to have people in my life that support me through it all even when they don’t know they are.

Usually, a person would put an ending here. However, with PCOS there really isn’t an “ending” you just learn to cope with it and the situations that your life brings you into. Some situations are as easy as pie. Others feel as if the situations rip your heart right out of your chest. For the people that have health issues whether you have PCOS, Parkinson's, ADD/ADHD, Migraines, Depression, Anxiety, or another disease that I have not mentioned.

Please know this- YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Please keep your chins up, reach out if you want someone to talk to.

~Until A Different Type of View~ Rori Lelu

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of the individuals.